Yep, it's true. I'm still alive--and still crazy on most days! October 2nd is the anniversary date for the day my life got even crazier (is that possible??) with the diagnosis of Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. At the time we thought we were dealing with 3 tumors each 1mm--that's pretty tiny stuff...and we were hoping they would come back from biopsy as cysts or calcium deposits. But that was not to be the case and after getting the invasive diagnosis I spent a few weeks asking lots of questions and trying to decide whether to have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy.
After talking to lots of survivors, I was leaning toward the mastectomy--mostly because I didn't ever again want to tell my kids I had breast cancer (especially if I could have prevented it with a mastectomy) and because I didn't want to have the stress of worrying about recurrence every time I had a mammogram. When I met with my breast surgeon, Leigh Neumayer, and asked her opinion she asked me if I had any specific need for my breasts (meaning more nursing babies???)--when I answered no she said well, a lumpectomy and mastectomy will be about the same considering how little breast tissue you have...gee thanks!...then she mentioned that if it was her facing the decision she would just take both breasts and be done with it. Maybe not in those exact words, but that was the gist of her comments and it sounded like the perfect solution for me.
So on October 22, 2007 I had a skin sparing. nipple sparing, double radical mastectomy--the left side to remove the invasive cancer and the right side for prophylactic purposes. I was serious about only fighting cancer once! And it turns out that was the perfect decision for me--because in doing the mastectomy they discovered a 1.1cm invasive tumor that had not shown up on ultrasound, mamogram, or breast MRI. I got lucky twice--once the day my internist sent me for the original mamogram that showed three suspicious spots and once the day I decided to have a mastectomy. The unlucky part was the fact that my hopes for only having to do radiation after surgery were not to come true and instead I would do 6 rounds of CMF chemotherapy and then 6 weeks of radiation. But all the gory details have already been written in more accuracy and detail as they happened--you can check that out at www.kenjenjohnson.blogspot.com. This blog is about living AC (after cancer) and finding the joy in being a survivor!
So I woke up on Sunday morning October 2, 2011 and decided that I would take the day to enjoy the fact that I was alive.
Two details must be covered before you can appreciate what I did to prove to myself that I was alive.
#1--I flew to Hawaii on a buddy pass on Tuesday, Sept 27th, to watch my niece perform in Phantom of the Opera. It was frivolous and spontaneous, but the plan was to fly out on Tuesday and fly home on a thursday night red-eye flight. I tend to do these sorts of crazy things when I'm around my JJETs sisters but that's a story for another day. Long story short--I got "stuck" in Hawaii until Tuesday night of the following week. Can't ask for a better place to be stuck--especially because I "had to" hang for some extra days with the E of the JJETs!
#2--I have been taking Tamoxifen, an estrogen receptor blocker, since the completion of radiation (summer of 2008). Tamoxifen basically makes you feel like you're in menopause with all the symptoms that accompany that--I'll name just a few: HOT FLASHES, WRINKLES, and WEIGHT GAIN. My oncologist has tried to convince me that clinical trials of tamoxifen have shown no statistical proof that it causes weight gain....but just ask any female who is lacking in estrogen and ask her what her biggest beefs are...and she'll at least mention the hot flashes and weight gain! (okay...maybe the wrinkles popped out during chemo, or just the stress of life...but tamoxifen gets the credit!!) So after getting through chemo and radiation only gaining about 7 pounds I was pretty happy--because my doc predicted I'd gain the typical 15 lbs that breast cancer patients usually gain...must be all the chocolate our friends give us to help us get through the traumatic experience. So inspite of returning to my BC (before cancer) exercise routine, eating habits, and lifestyle of business and forgetting to eat.....I have been steadily gaining weight...2 pounds here, 2 pounds there and trying to adjust to new clothing sizes (at least you get to shop????) and lack of energy and lack of muscle tone.
I'm riding my bike, doing the Firm, getting up in the early am hours and hiking to the waterfall, P90x, walking, elliptical, mountain biking, eating less, avoiding dessert....you know...all the same things that you try when you want to get that pair of jeans to fit comfortably again...or even to fit uncomfortably! Well--after 3 years of working on it (did I mention that I need a nap after every exercise routine...is that the fatigue of radiation hanging around or just my mental issues surfacing?) and seeing no improvement on the scale, and miniscule improvement on how my clothes were fitting I felt pretty discouraged about getting back my BC healthy, fit, vibrant, energetic body.
Okay, now that the background is set--perhaps you can appreciate the monumental feat that I accomplished-- I ran for 4 miles on the beach!!
It probably helped that I live and workout in the high altitude of Utah, and I was running at sea level....and it probably helped that I had the inertia of feeling alive on the 4th anniv of bad news...and it probably helped that I slept for easily 11 1/2 hrs the night before (did I mention that I seem to require WAY MORE sleep AC than BC?).... and it probably helped that the weather was balmy and the sky was blue and I had no obligations to return to or worry about...but still, I RAN 4 MILES!!
To you runners, that is not big deal but to those of us who have been battling knee pain for the last 9 years (yep, since the birth of that beautiful last child) aching bodies (tamoxifen?) and gasping for air (yep, since chemo and radiation and tamoxifen...not sure what to blame that one on) and who could barely stay on the elliptical for 20 minutes without having a pounding headache.....4 miles is like running a marathon. It is all about perspective!
So from my AC perspective I treated myself to one of the greatest things...a 4 mile run down the beach in Kailua, Oahu, Hawaii and a cool off swim in the blue-green ocean. Salt water in the eyes and up the nose....floating and moving and feeling healthy and alive after 4 years as a BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR. The race for the cure is awesome and motivating....but this was just me--celebrating just me! For a crazy, busy girl that is an amazing place to be. Just me, the beach and the water....just being alive. And so GRATEFUL to BE
E.R. (embracing reality... ever remembering....evoking reverence!)
Hint of the day: The American Cancer Society recommends a"baseline" mammogram at age 35 - 40 with an "every other year" mammogram from ages 40 to 50. After age 50, women should get a mammogram every year.
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